"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations, the new needs friends. Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto: Anyone can cook. But I realize, only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau's soon, hungry for more."
-Anton Ego
(after challenging chef linguini and then being very surprised and happy by eating ratatouille made by a rat)
Saturday, October 10, 2009
How to take care of your wife?
How to take care of your wife?
In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
*SIMPLE DUTIES*
-- You make the bed (+1)
-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
-- No fuel in the car you go walking (+8)
-- In the rain (+18)
-- But return with Beer (-5)
-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-- You think it's a thief pummel it with iron rod (+15)
-- But actually it's her pet (-10)
-- You overheard two neighbour females gossiping (0)
-- You say it's nothing special (-2)
-- It's about Mrs. Patric's husband's affair (+5)
-- It's something about her you don't want to tell (-10)
*SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS*
-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
-- Named Tina (-4)
-- Tina is a dancer (-10)
-- A bar dancer (-15)
*HER BIRTHDAY*
-- You wish her early in the morning (0)
-- You forgot to wish her (-10)
-- You prepare her breakfast (+2)
-- It's quite tasty (+5)
-- You take her out for dinner (0)
-- You take her out for dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-1)
-- And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)
-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
*A NIGHT OUT*
-- You take her to a movie (+2)
-- You take her to a movie she likes (+8)
-- You take her to a movie you hate (+18)
-- You take her to a movie you hate but you sleep in the theatre (-5)
-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
*YOUR PHYSIQUE*
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly but exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-1000)
*COMMUNICATION*
-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+150)
-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-500)
*THE 'MOST COMMON' QUESTION*
-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
-- You hesitate in responding (-10)
-- You reply, "Not that much." (-15)
-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-- Any other response (-20)
In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
*SIMPLE DUTIES*
-- You make the bed (+1)
-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
-- No fuel in the car you go walking (+8)
-- In the rain (+18)
-- But return with Beer (-5)
-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-- You think it's a thief pummel it with iron rod (+15)
-- But actually it's her pet (-10)
-- You overheard two neighbour females gossiping (0)
-- You say it's nothing special (-2)
-- It's about Mrs. Patric's husband's affair (+5)
-- It's something about her you don't want to tell (-10)
*SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS*
-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
-- Named Tina (-4)
-- Tina is a dancer (-10)
-- A bar dancer (-15)
*HER BIRTHDAY*
-- You wish her early in the morning (0)
-- You forgot to wish her (-10)
-- You prepare her breakfast (+2)
-- It's quite tasty (+5)
-- You take her out for dinner (0)
-- You take her out for dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-1)
-- And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)
-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
*A NIGHT OUT*
-- You take her to a movie (+2)
-- You take her to a movie she likes (+8)
-- You take her to a movie you hate (+18)
-- You take her to a movie you hate but you sleep in the theatre (-5)
-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
*YOUR PHYSIQUE*
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly but exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-1000)
*COMMUNICATION*
-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+150)
-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-500)
*THE 'MOST COMMON' QUESTION*
-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
-- You hesitate in responding (-10)
-- You reply, "Not that much." (-15)
-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-- Any other response (-20)
When You Believe
Many nights we prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hope for a song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could
In this time of fear
When prayer so often goes in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full, I can't explain
Seeking faith and speakin' words
I never thought I'd say
"There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe"
They don't know it's often when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fear
But when you're blind you find your pain
You can see and wake me through the rain
But still a resilient voice in me
Says
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe.
You will when you,
BELIEVE!
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hope for a song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could
In this time of fear
When prayer so often goes in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full, I can't explain
Seeking faith and speakin' words
I never thought I'd say
"There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe"
They don't know it's often when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fear
But when you're blind you find your pain
You can see and wake me through the rain
But still a resilient voice in me
Says
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe.
You will when you,
BELIEVE!
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